The right state of your mind

ETA: You know how people will tell you that you deserve better? What if you don't? I am consistently getting shit thrown into my face and I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know if I believe in karma, but something has recently happened that reinstated my possible belief. Anyway. How do you know what someone deserves. I know I shouldn't have gotten the shit end of the stick in this case. However, insecurities get to people and sometimes things don't make sense. Like this post. Nobody will get it. I don't even get it.

And another thing I'm not too fond of. I feel like a substitute. You know, like one of those girls that you hang out with until something "better" comes along. I don't know what the fuck you expect, but in most of the cases with these guys, they won't be better.


I'm also tired of being self-conscious. I don't want to be constantly paranoid that people are always looking at me, but it happens I guess.

Can you be addicted to second-hand smoke? I think it's happening. I'm not going to go smoke my own, but being around smokers and the scent is relaxing. I'm truly fucked up.




I've been writing haikus. Most of them are pretty funny. Let me know if you'd like me to write you one.

I'm pretending I'm not in Israel right now. You leave drama, you get drama.

Well, here I am.

I'm in Israel.

The plane rides weren't too bad, considering how long they were. I napped, watched movies, and listened to music.

Israel is gorgeous. I'm drinking an Israeli beer because I legally CAN and it's actually not too bad. I'm a budding alcoholic. Wonderful, right? Nothing better than crying and drinking to make it better, re: worse.

Now, let's talk about the important thing: the Israeli men. MY GOD. There are tons of them and if I could bring a few back with me to California, I'd do it in a heartbeat. It sucks though because my family is constantly on the move and is bugging me. I don't know how I'm supposed to make friends if we're not in one place for more than five seconds. WHATEVER. I do plan on hanging out with some locals before I leave though. I didn't bring my awesome new dress for nothing. Shit.

Also, I already got a sunburn and I miss my friends. To quote Brian, fffffffffffffffffffffuck.

This Is.

I've been listening to Aslan again, but it sucks because I only have one of their live albums. It's so easy to listen to and it's so mellow. I need to get my hands on more of their albums.

For the plane trip, I've planned to take some paper and pens with me. I want to write while listening to music and seeing if I can come with any kind of inspiration. I also want to get more into writing haikus. I think for every picture I take that I think would be appropriate for a portfolio, it will have an accompanying haiku.

I've been having horrible insomnia. A lot of things are haunting my thoughts and I wish they would stop. A couple of good things though. Keith is (hopefully) going to be in LA sometime this summer. I want to take him to see the Dark Knight and go ice skating. I'm also going to apply for a job at a car dealership.

I'm leaving in a day and I'm still nervous as shit.

A little known fact about myself: I enjoy lying in bed with the phone by my ear and talking until I fall asleep. Just listening to someone else breathe when they're not next to you is completely magical. I used to do it with Dan, but now I don't get to do it.


I ALSO FEEL DISGUSTED. AGAIN.

I don't know why it's so hard to pick a title.

I couldn't think of a blog title.

Anyway, I like how I don't have to look to the past if I don't want to.

AND IN COMES MAROVITZ FOR THE REBOUND!

Yeah, I'm back. Did you miss me?

Make that thirteen.

So I decided to not take my own advice and went to Jack in the Box last night for a milkshake. I needed ice cream, and that was the closest place to where I was at the time.

Sooo I walk inside and the cashier is STARING at me. I hadn't even ordered my goddamn shake before "You're really pretty! Do you have a boyfriend?" comes out of his mouth. And again, not interested in the least. I told him no, so he asked for my number. I actually said no, and after I got my shake, I was literally running out of there. I swear I'll get this right one day.

That was in Santa Monica last night. I was being dragged around by my family and I was nearly in tears the entire night because they tend to piss me off. Israel is probably going to be le suck, but a few drinks will hopefully be able to offset it. I bought a gorgeous dress that makes my boobs look fucking awesome and I'm bringing that with me.

I have a buttload of errands to run today and I'm hoping that I'm not too tired before I go into work today. Tomorrow is my last day of work before I leave on Wednesday. I'm still really nervous and I have a bad feeling, but I have to go anyway to appease my grandmother.

Showertime. WHO'S COMING?!

4AM and DELIVERY?!

I was up last night until 4AM just sitting in front of my computer. No browsing or chatting. Just sitting and thinking about how disgusted I am that I wasted one of the most important years of my life on it.

I also learned today that in the middle east, you can get fast food delivered to your home. Ew.


This post is brought to you by the word disgusting/disgusted.

Twelve kinds of not interested.

Reminder to not go out after dark starts now:

I went to the gas station to fill up and get a car wash that I purchased last Friday and some guy was hanging out with his friends. He approached me and asked if I had a boyfriend or guy friend with me. At this point, I'm freaking out because I'm really not in the mood for a gang bang, but he shakes my hand and talks to me. I tell him a bit about myself and I learn he's a DJ. I'm not interested, but I still acted friendly because he says that he just wants to make a few new friends. I'm just silently thanking whoever invented caller ID.

Friday is my next day off. I'm going to go hang out with my friend Mike who I haven't seen in forever. He and I had originally planned on seeing Indy together a few months ago so I'm hoping we see that on Friday when I get back from Ventura with my mom.

Also, Sublime phase. I'm enjoying their acoustic stuff.

On beauty.

Many people think that "beautiful people" have it the easiest. Sometimes I find being physically attractive to be a barrier that separates how people see you and how you want people to see you. I, personally, would much rather be known for my intelligence and sense of humor. Unfortunately, this doesn't often happen and I am either judged as unintelligent or dull. People think that the pretty girls are there for only one thing: to sit there and look good. I want to be acknowledged for who I am as a person.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sick of being picked up on. I don't want to be eyed while I'm standing in line somewhere. I just want to be recognized and related to. I have a brain, so please treat me like I do.

Home

I'm sick of driving, but I need to get away from here. My thoughts and emotions are going to drive me crazy. I just with I had a place to go.

I don't understand

How you can care about someone and do something like this.

I'm going to stop drinking water because they're refueling my eyes.


I want to call you, but I can't.

I'm in San Francisco!

I'm in San Francisco with Kevin! He's AMAZING. I got here in six hours and it was a gorgeous drive. As soon as I got closer to the city, I got to have the most beautiful view of the bay! It's as busy as LA, but it's actually NICE.

We just got pizza at a cool Indian restaurant. Kevin saved his water like a ninja and we got "pepperoni" pineapple pizza. We walked to get popcorn so we can watch movies tonight.


KBAI.

Here is the rest of my week.

So, tomorrow (Thursday), my little sister graduates 8th grade. I'm proud of her. I had a really rough time finding her a gift, so I'm just giving her cash. It's impersonal and I'm embarrassed, but she wants a lot of things I can't afford, so I'm hoping that she'll save it and then be able to buy a camera or an iPod before we leave for Israel.

I bought my dad a blender for Father's Day because he's been spending an assload of money at Jamba Juice. I figure if I get him a blender, he'll save a lot on gas. Plus he can buy tons of fruit for how much a normal smoothie costs. I think it's a good gift. My sister and I are proud to give it to him, so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm leaving to San Francisco on Friday at about 11. I'm really nervous for the drive and the initial meeting, but I know it'll be fantastic. I have some music and my GPS so I'm mostly set. I think I'm going to get a few energy drinks and some snacks before I head out. I'm mostly nervous for the parking though. I can't parallel park. So, we'll see what happens.

<3

Five.

I went to get my very first bikini wax today. I think I would have rather eaten a bug, but I did it anyway. The lady was very nice and didn't even mind that I called her names! I took my mom with me so I could squeeze her hand (I KNOW I'M LAME, OKAY?), and I think that I broke it. She was laughing the entire time. I told her I'm going to buy her one for her birthday and we'll see who's laughing then.

I'm slowly getting ready for my trip up north to San Francisco. I have a lot of packing to do. I have to go get another GPS unit because mine is broken. :( I rescued my dress and a DVD from my mom's house today. We went to get Macaroni Grill and Coldstone's.

Speaking of Coldstone's... If you can eat an entire LARGE Coldstone's in one sitting and you are under three hundred pounds, I would like to shake your hand.

I learned my insurance expired two months ago. It makes getting medication and doctor visits difficult, so I had to be the adult in the family and spend about an hour and a half on the phone. We still don't have any, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that nothing happens to anyone in my family.

And now I'm falling asleep on my keyboard with my glasses digging into my face. This worked better than I thought.

Four.

I unfortunately had to start dipping into my saved up funds for a couple reasons. I bought a GPS unit at work for about $100 so I don't get lost on my WAY TO SEE KEVIN IN SAN FRANCISCO! I figure with all of the fucking ridiculous hours that I've been working (40 this week, 30ish next week), I'll gain it all back, plus some more to spend on my sister's graduation gift and gas.

I saw Prince Caspian today with Hillary because we both wanted to go see a movie. She was excited because she thinks the guy that plays Peter is ridiculously gorgeous, but I wanted to see if the film had merit and kept to the book. It was an okay film, but surprisingly long and violent, especially since it was made for children. I did fall in love with "The Call" by Regina Spektor though.

I'm going to start looking for places to live after I come back from San Francisco. I need to tell my roommates soon because they want a month's advance notice, and I'd like to be settled into the new place before "school" is back in session.

If you have any suggestions for driving CDs, please tell me. I'm going to be making TONS for my trip since I don't have an iPod player for the car.

And you know, as much as I've gained in the past two weeks, I still feel like something is missing.
My coworker sent me a video of his dog humping his pillow.

I'm glad Last.fm lets me turn off scrobbling so I can listen to my embarrassing music in peace.

<3